


Internal Battle Ground

by Jeniouis



Series: Internal War [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Sam-Centric, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-10 19:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2037957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeniouis/pseuds/Jeniouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam will never tell Steve about what happened, what Bucky did to him.<br/> <br/>Sam won't even blame Bucky for this.<br/> <br/>Because right now he isn't Bucky, the man whose Steve's old friend whom Sam doesn't even know, really has absolutely no reason to trust.<br/> <br/>Especially after this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cover Art

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cover art for the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cover art I designed for the story. I used Photoshop for this.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam felt pathetic. Felt useless. Like a bitch.

He was a soldier goddamn it and he was running from a single man because he wasn’t strong enough to stop himself from being overpowered like a damn little girl.

Sam stumbled into the dark corner of an alleyway. He was too afraid to peek out and see if he was being followed but he was too afraid to stay where he was because if Bucky, no Winter Soldier, decided that he wanted to come back for him then this would be a perfect spot to victimize him again.

Sam took a step forward, just barely stepping out of the shadows but then retreated, pressing his back against the cold, brick wall. It hurt to walk. It hurt to stand but it would hurt worst to try and sit. Sam hugged himself and slid down to the ground anyway, hissing the whole way down.

Sam froze when he heard heavy footsteps start to walk down the alley towards him. He covered his mouth with his hand and tried to breathe as little as possible, trying to stay as quiet as possible. He chocked down sobs as he heard the footsteps get closer and closer, hoping to God it wasn’t the Winter Soldier and if it was he hoped to God he wouldn’t find him.

Sam will never tell Steve about what happened, what Bucky did to him.

Sam won't even blame Bucky for this.

Because right now he isn't Bucky, the man whose Steve's old friend whom Sam doesn't even know, really has absolutely no reason to trust.

Especially after this. This personal destruction of inner peace. This violation.

But Steve trusts him so Sam will try to trust him too. And if he can't learn to trust Bucky after this, then he'll just have to separate himself.

~

"They said his recovery is going to take a long time but they got him stable and somewhat knowing where he is." Steve said with the most dismal and remorseful expression Sam had ever seen on him. Sam sighed figuring he would have to stick around until Natasha came up to him with an actual sympathetic look in her eye. Sam didn't even know she could feel emotions. She needed to speak with Steve about something and they walked down the hall a bit. Sam's not sure what it was about but he was pretty sure his job was finished. He took the moment to sneak away.

Sam just couldn't do it. He wanted to be there for Steve but he just couldn't be in the same room as Bucky. It made him feel sick and violated all over again.

Sam was heading out the hospital when he heard somebody call his name. He turned around and saw Steve running to catch up to him. He resisted the urge to kick the wall in frustration; he knew he should have walked faster.

“Hey man, where you headed?” Steve asked when he reached him. He had an indescribable yet vulnerable look in his eye. So Sam changed the course of his words that first came to mind.

“I was just heading home to wash up and get a night’s rest. Seeing how yours got shot up, you can come crash at my place if you need to.” Sam offered and Steve smiled.

“I will if you don’t mind. I don’t want to impose. You’ve seemed a little different lately.” Steve said and Sam took a deep breath.

“Oh no, just my own internal things. Has nothing to do with you.” Sam said punching Steve in his bricked shoulder. It wasn’t a lie; it just wasn’t the truth either.

“Do you need to talk about it?” Steve asked with sudden concern in his already stretched too thin expression. Leave it to Cap to try and help someone when he obviously had too much on his own plate.

“Naw, I’m good.” Sam lied. The two walked out of the hospital together and Sam had to check a sigh. He had the heavy suspicion that he would end up having to deal with Bucky a lot more than what he wanted to.


	3. Chapter 3

"Mind if I join you?" Sam heard a voice ask. He looked behind him to find Steve standing at the entryway of the living room. Sam smiled.

"Of course, I hope you haven't seen Star Wars yet." Sam said scooting over to make room for Steve. When Steve sat down beside him, Sam leaned in to his chest. Steve smiled and wrapped his arm around the soldier's shoulders.

"Not yet but I'm glad I get to watch it for the first time with you." Steve said and Sam smiled.

This thing they had was new. In the eight months it took to find Bucky, they started about two months in. Growing closer to each other through near death experiences and the emotional baggage of the guy who was practically Steve’s brother trying to kill him repeatedly. Sometimes Bucky would surface for a day or two and they would be able to get him and start to head back to Washington only for Winter Soldier to make a comeback and flip on them completely.

That's how he got ahold of Sam. Steve had gotten separated from them because Hydra wanted their killer toy back and Bucky just suddenly switched and the next thing Sam knew, the Winter Soldier was pressing him against the wall, shoving down his pants.

Sam took a deep breath and snuggled closer to Steve, trying to push that damn memory out of his mind. He kept trying to forget the whole horrid experience period but something always brought the assault to the forefront of his mind. Always. It was in his nightmares. The first image to pop up when someone mentioned anything remotely close to sex. He just kept reliving it over and over and over.

Sam just wanted it to stop!

"Sam, you okay?" Steve asked tightening his arm around him.

No he wasn't okay. He was far from okay. He wouldn't be okay for a very long time.

"Yeah I'm good." Sam lied looking up at Steve's suddenly concerned face.

"You sure? You were starting to tense." Steve said as he started rubbing Sam's arm in comfort.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just got a little cold." Sam said giving Steve a falsely reassuring smile. Steve nodded and pulled the blanket that was draping over the back of the couch on Sam.

"Better?" Steve asked and Sam nodded, settling back beside Steve when the captain stretched out on the couch.

They were taking things slow. Sam had never been with another man before and really didn't know what the hell he was doing. Steve was a virgin so he was just generally confused so they decided that going slow was the best thing to do. Especially since they had been in nothing but highly stressful and dangerous situations since they started.

Sam snuggled up close to Steve drowsily. He hadn't been able to sleep since the Winter Soldier started haunting his dreams. The soldier hadn't felt safe enough but with Steve holding him like this, in his big, bricked, muscular arms, Sam felt safe and he checked out just as Han stepped over Jabba's tail.

~

"I'm going to the hospital to check on Bucky." Steve said the next morning after breakfast. He was drying dishes as Sam washed them. The whole thing screamed domestic and they hadn't even moved to second base yet.

Sam froze for a moment though he wasn't really surprised. Just caught off guard. Hearing Bucky's name had that effect on him.

"Y-yeah?" Sam said aiming for casual. Steve nodded and looked at him so hopefully and pleading that Sam forced out the question he never in a million years would want to ask. "Do you want me to go with you?"

Steve smiled gratefully, "Yeah, that would be great. I just don't want to do it alone; you know?"

Sam nodded, "I completely understand. Just let me get some things and I'll be ready in twenty." Sam said and went into his room when Steve nodded. He closed his door and fought every single urge to scream his lungs out.

He wanted to support Steve. He was his boyfriend who needed him right now and Sam wanted to be there for him but this. Having to sit with Bucky and pretend to be neutral all while remembering how Bucky held him down with inhuman strength. How the Winter Soldier growled, "You're a sweet bitch" in his ear and Sam had no other choice but to take what the Winter Soldier forced on him.

Sam hugged himself and leaned back against the wall, remember how he did the same thing when Bucky finally released a month ago after he...

"It wasn't Bucky. It's not Bucky's fault." Sam told himself for the millionth time. "Bucky and Winter Soldier were two different people." Sam had actually seen Bucky. More than once. Bucky wasn't ruthless or cold like the polar opposite counterpart of his mind.

Telling himself that made him relax a little so Sam grabbed his car keys, taking a deep breath before he walked out his room.

~

Sam stood by Steve as he watched him try to tell Bucky about their childhood. He really couldn't hear what was said from being on the other side of the room near the door.  
He had given the excuse that he wanted to give the two some space but really, he just couldn't stomach being that close to Bucky.

Which was unfair because Bucky was Bucky right now. Sam was actually starting to feel sorry for him because he was restrained. Tied down to the medical bed and he kept struggling. Sam could tell he didn't like to he held down. The soldier cringe at wondering what Hydra did to make him feel that way.

Every now and then Bucky would look over at him curiously. Sam figured he was more concerned as to why he was there more than Steve's words.

"And there was this one time." Steve continued to rant about their childhood sounding so devastated, hopeful, fond, and completely broken all at the same time. "When we got our dumbasses captured for a week-"

"Steve." Bucky said suddenly. His voice was still coarse and it sounded every bit like the Winter Soldier. Sam flinched; his stomach clenched and churned. He kept hearing that same voice call him a whore over and over in the back of his mind but he tried to push it away so that he could support Steve and not bitch out, having a panic attack. "Your name is Steve. You're my friend." Bucky said quietly. His tone changed. He didn't sound murderous the second time he spoke and Sam calmed a lot.

Steve looked up at Bucky in shock before he managed a small smile.

"Yeah, I'm your friend." Steve said sounding happily surprised. Happier than Sam had ever seen him. It wasn't until now that Sam found himself wondering what the two were to each other before…everything.

And it wasn't until he saw the smile on Steve face that the possibility they had been whatever the forties equated to dating ever crossed his mind.

 _"One panic at a time."_  Sam thought to himself, finding a smile beginning to quirk his lips. He was glad that Bucky was improving. Glad that Steve was happy.

Even if he felt like he was swimming in hell right now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight warning for substance abuse.

During these six months, Bucky had been improving significantly. To the point he was no longer restrained when Steve and Sam visited him in the hospital. Sam didn’t blame the hospital's decision. Bucky was starting to remember a lot about his previous life and he wasn’t switching to the Winter Soldier at random anymore so that was a plus.

But it still sickened Sam. He used to have the small peace of mind that if Bucky did flip, he would at least be restrained long enough for Sam to get the fuck out of there. And now Bucky was just loose. He could move freely. It scared Sam in ways that made him useless, in ways that hurt his pride. Made him feel worthless.

And that empty feeling of being pathetic was starting to affect him. He couldn’t effectively run his meetings for traumatize veterans at the VA anymore. Sam couldn’t give them advice; he couldn’t lead them. How could Sam honesty tell them that the future is brighter and to be strong when he couldn’t even keep himself from falling apart completely, when he couldn’t be strong himself. Sam just wished he could curl in a corner of a room and die.

Steve would have supported him if he knew. But Bucky obviously meant so much to him. And Bucky was a worst case then Sam. He had suffered more; Sam couldn’t even imagine living through the type of horror he had experienced. And Steve was doing his all to help Bucky remember again and to get his old friend, or boyfriend, back. Steve spent more time with Bucky and trying to rehabilitate him than he did with Sam. Which was fine. Sam could accept handling this alone. He handled Riley’s death completely alone. Hopefully he could trudge through this.

Because Sam still will never tell Steve what happened. It would force him to have to choose between Bucky and Sam and he could never put Steve through that. That added with the fact that Steve would have to support two traumatized people just seemed like it would be too much. So Sam kept quiet.

~

“Hey Sam, I’m needed for a mission for the next week. It’s extremely important or else I wouldn’t be going.” Steve said one night when he walked in at the darkest of night. Sam was lounging on the couch, watching TV because he still couldn’t sleep. He had almost stopped trying. They had gone to visit Bucky earlier that day and Sam left earlier, claiming he had some work to do. But that wasn’t true, he still felt violated when he was around Bucky. He kept remembering everything that happened. Sam had thought that time would fix it but apparently not.

“Oh okay, did you tell Bucky?” Sam asked because he knew Bucky would be very upset if Steve just randomly stopped visiting him. Despite the violation, Sam did care about Bucky’s welfare no matter how much he hated himself for it. Because Bucky hadn’t been Bucky at the time. Bucky and the Winter Soldier were two different people. Sam had to keep reminding himself that.

Steve nodded, “Yeah I told him and I was hoping you would go visit him while I’m gone. He likes you.” Steve said with a slight smile.

And just like that Sam was back to that alleyway. Being pressed up against the wall. He could still feel the Winter Soldier’s hot breath on his neck.

Sam took a deep breath and forced a reassuring smile to his lips, “Sure I don’t mind.” Sam lied. “But is this something I could do for you. Could I replace you for the mission?” Sam offered because he would damn near do anything to keep from being in the same room with Bucky alone. It was one thing knowing that Steve was there to Stop Bucky if he flipped and tried something but alone… Sam just couldn’t do it he knew he couldn’t.

Steve thought about it for a moment, “I think it would be better if I went. They brought in Tony and Banner. I think it’s something serious. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Sam nodded slowly, trying to come up with any and everything else. Steve’s face fell a little and Sam’s heart broke a little. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I can understand you not.” Steve said understandingly but the hurt was evident in his expression. And Sam got it. Handling Bucky all on his own had to be stressful as hell.

“Of course I will. I don’t mind that.” Sam said was a faux reassuring smile. Steve smiled gratefully.

“Thanks Sam that means a lot.” Steve said happily, looking wearily at the television. “I can join you if you want me to. I know we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately.” Steve said with sudden guilt in his face. Sam shook his head.

“Naw, you look tired. Go get some rest.” Sam said and Steve nodded gratefully, walking out the room. Sam sighed and closed his eyes, forcing himself to be a man and not cry like a bitch. He sat up and buried his head in his hands.

Sam just needed a distraction. Something to take his mind off of everything. He stood and put on some jogging clothes. God he was so tired but he just couldn’t sleep. He walked out his front door, gently closing it behind him. Sam didn’t want Steve to know he had left. It wasn’t like people didn’t run in the middle of night. Sam just figured if he tired himself out enough, he would be able to sleep.

While he was running, he came by a corner store. Sam went in and bought some sleeping pills since nothing else seemed to be working.

~

“So you’re a friend of Steve’s huh?” Bucky asked, looking at Sam curiously. The soldier nodded curtly. “You don’t seem to be very talkative.” Bucky said and Sam shrugged, turning to look out the window. He had to fight the strong urge to jump out of it. “So you two haven’t been friends for long. He said that you had just met before you…caught me.” Bucky said with something dark crossing his eyes, in his voice. Sam felt like an ass immediately and forced himself to be more cordial with Bucky. “He said you hadn’t known each other that long.” Sam nodded slowly. That hurt a little. They had known each other for eight months before they caught Bucky and they were dating. But he could understand why Steve hadn’t told Bucky the truth. It wasn’t like the guy had been sane when he first came to this hospital.

“No not too long.” Sam said simply. “How have you been feeling lately?” Sam tried his best to not sound bitter but he could push the feeling of being violated, the self-hatred out of his gut. Bucky shrugged.

“I’m alright I guess.” Bucky said and Sam nodded. He felt like smacking himself in the face. He was a social worker goddamn it. He should be able to come up with something.

“Have you remembered anything new lately?” Sam asked. Bucky’s eyes lit up a little and he nodded. He started talking about something he and Steve had done during their childhood. Sam nodded, smiled, and laughed when it was appropriate but he wasn’t really there. He kept reliving that night all over again. Every time Bucky made a gesture with his hands, Sam would remember being touched all over. Every time Bucky moved, Sam remembered how quickly he shifted in front of him when he tried to run.

But Sam ignored it. He could do this. It wasn’t as if the Winter Soldier seemed like he was going to make an appearance anytime soon. So Sam gritted his teeth and struggled through all his emotions, trying his best to push them out of his mind.

~

When Sam got home, he immediately went to went to his wet bar and pour himself a glass of whiskey. He downed it in one gulp, ignoring the burn at the back of his throat. He poured another three fingers and went to his medicine cabinet. He grabbed the bottles of sleeping pills he bought the night before and took two, washing it down a sip from his glass.

Sam belatedly remembered something about not taking medications with alcohol but fuck it, he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for internal victim blaming. Sam’s not really in a healthy mindset right now.

Sam was so glad the week was over and he was even more relieved when Steve walked through his door at four in the morning. He couldn’t deal with Bucky anymore. The soldier felt like he was walking on thin ice; like at any moment his whole sanity would just plummet.

But he felt better now with not having to deal with Bucky alone. The fear and shame he felt before was too much. Sam always ended up feeling violated and then guilty for feeling that way because Bucky obviously never meant to hurt him. And from the looks of it, didn’t even know that he had harmed Sam. Bucky didn’t remember much from his Winter Soldier days. The doctors at the hospital said something about Hydra had him under some sort of influence that was now undone. The doctors also said that he kept flipping beforehand because something triggered the Winter Soldier side of Bucky.

And didn’t that just make Sam feel like utter shit. Because then it really was his fault. He triggered something in Bucky and caused the whole violation upon himself.

The next week, Sam didn’t go with Steve to visit Bucky. He told Steve that it would be better if they spent some time together alone since Bucky hadn’t seen Steve in a week. The blonde readily accepted the excuse. Sam had started to feel like a third wheel lately during their visits. anyway.

Sam also felt like he was losing Steve. Maybe he never had him. Maybe Steve just needed a replacement for Bucky, some emotional support as he searched for him. Realizing that hurt Sam more than he had expected it too. Because without Steve, he was back to having nobody.

~

“They’re releasing Bucky from the hospital.” Steve said the minute he walked into the kitchen. No good morning. No how are you. Their world had become all about Bucky. Sam sighed feeling every bit of rejected then he felt remorseful immediately. Of course it had. Bucky needed help, more help than Sam and he had to keep telling himself that. It took a moment for Sam to fully register what Steve had said. Emotionally Sam had been a little more stable during the week. Not having to face Bucky was a great help to him. Gave him a little closure and peace. But Sam had known that his foundation would be shaken at some point.

“Really? When?” Sam ask with faux interest as he opened a cabinet and grabbed a whisky bottle he had stored. He hadn’t searched for the half full bottle all week but right now he really needed a drink. Steve gave him a strange look.

“It’s eight in the morning Sam.” Steve said, gesturing towards the drink Sam was pouring. The soldier nodded understandingly

“It’s seven p.m. somewhere.” Sam said, turning to Steve and taking a sip from the glass in his hand. Steve gave him a concerned look but seemed to drop it. Sam was glad he did.

“In three days. I hate to bring someone else in your house but I was hoping he could stay here.” Steve said hopefully, pleadingly. Sam nodded, hating his words before they even slipped past his lips.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Sam lied, leaning back against the counter. Steve smiled wide.

“Thanks so much Sam. I’ll see you later.” Steve said, gathering his stuff and walking out the front door. He didn’t even ask if Sam wanted to go with. Which gave the soldier a mixed feeling of loss and relief.

Sam stood there, staring at the floor. He chugged the glass and poured himself another. He just wished he couldn’t feel anything. Sam felt like he was swimming in a pool of despair, like he was just drowning in it. His rapist was going to be living in his home. That made Sam feel sickened down to his very core. And the worst part was he didn’t know how to get out of this. He felt so lost. Sam had never felt this lost in his life. Sam leaned his head back against the cabinet reaching for the whiskey bottle. Shocked when he found it was empty. Sam didn’t even remember drinking that much.

~

The first three weeks of Bucky’s stay, Sam wasn’t even there. SHIELD was reformed and he became a full-time agent. Just for the promise of long missions away from home. He didn’t really give the two much of a warning. Just the second day Bucky was there, Sam left early that morning saying that he had mission, trying to push Steve’s bewildered face out his mind. He felt that he was letting Steve down with not being there for him but being away helped more than Sam could ever describe.

“You’re back.” Steve said when Sam walked into the living room late one night of his first day back. He had been back in town since eight in the morning but he was hoping that if he came in late, he could miss either of them. “I didn’t even know you worked for SHIELD.”

Sam nodded as he strolled into his kitchen. He didn’t see Bucky anywhere so Sam figured he was asleep. The soldier went through all his cabinets until he found a bottle of whiskey. Steve had followed him into the kitchen and was now giving him a strange, worried look.

“For a couple of months now.” Sam said since Steve was there. The blonde nodded slowly.

“I…I must have missed that.” Steve said, looking at Sam curiously. It was a scrutinizing, uncomfortable stare that made Sam place the bottle on the counter instead of opening it and chugging it straight from the bottle like Sam wanted to. Like he planned to do, the minute Steve was out of the way. Him setting the bottle down seemed to give Steve a bit of peace.

“I didn’t tell you. I figured you were dealing with enough.” Sam said with a reassuring smile. Steve seemed a little saddened by that.

“But what about your work at the VA.” Steve said looking so concerned. Sam didn’t like it. Steve was already concerned enough about Bucky, he didn’t need to try and figure out Sam’s problems too. Sam tensed, grabbing the whiskey and picking up a glass, pouring himself only a small amount since Steve was giving that worried look again.

“I quit.” Sam said. He had too. He wasn’t in the right mindset to help traumatized veterans if he was traumatized himself. Plus, he was starting to have flashback during the sessions. Someone would say something that triggered and he was reliving the violation all over again. Sam refilled his glass when it was empty, this time going up to a finger.

“You quit. But you loved working with the vets.” Steve said. Sam shrugged and opened his fridge. He wasn’t hungry but he needed to do something with his hands. Everything was nearly as he left it. Sam looked around. He belatedly realized that nothing seemed as if there had been two people living there. But there had been two pairs of shoes in the hall beside the door and there were two jackets hanging on the coat hanger. None of it belonged to Sam.

“I guess I burned out. Have you two been eating?” Sam asked shuffling through the fridge, making a slight sound of understanding when he saw the left over take outs on the lower shelf. Sam grabbed some lunchmeat and some bread. Now that he was looking at food, he realized that he was actually pretty hungry.

Steve blushed slightly, “Yeah, but we’ve been mostly eating out. We didn’t want to mess up something or anything.” Sam shook his head; he didn’t like people not feeling comfortable in his house. Not even Bucky.

“Mi casa es su casa Steve. Do whatever you want.” Sam said, as he fixed his sandwich, reaching back in the fridge to grab some mayonnaise. Steve smiled a slight grateful smile.

“Thanks Sam.” Steve said and he shuffled on his feet. Sam thought he was going to leave but he didn’t.

“Do you want a sandwich” Sam asked, wondering if that was why Steve was lingering. Steve was still for a second before he nodded. Sam put down the sandwich he was chewing on and made Steve one, and another for himself. “How is Bucky?” Sam begrudgingly asked, trying his best not to sound bitter and self-hating.

“He’s doing really well. I think a home setting is better for him instead of the hospital room.” Steve said. Sam nodded, he was going to top off his glass but Steve smoothly and calmly took the bottle out his hand and screwed the top back on, placing it back in the cabinet. All while talking. “He said that the hospital rooms reminded him too much of something he doesn’t remember but it was unpleasant. I’m guessing the rooms Hydra experimented on him in.” Steve said and Sam winced, feeling remorseful immediately.

“Your boy has been through shit.” Sam said, more to himself than Steve who nodded sadly. Sam looked at all the sudden pain in Steve’s face and he almost asked if they had been a thing back in the forties but he decided that he didn’t want to know. Sam fought the urge to reach into cabinet and grab the bottle again. “You look tired.” Sam said because it was true. And he needed an excuse to get Steve out of there so he could drink freely. Steve finished his sandwich and sighed, nodding.

“I am.” Steve said simply. Sam shrugged, punching his shoulder a little. His hand nearly broke. He had somehow forgotten how bricked Steve was.

“Then why don’t you go get some rest.” Sam suggested. The blonde looked at him for a moment, opening his mouth slightly then closing it again.

“Yeah I think I am.” Steve said as he started to walk out the kitchen then got to the entrance and stopped, looking back at Sam. “Aren’t you going to bed too? I mean, you just came off a three week mission, you have to be tired.” Sam resisted the urge to bang his head into the wall. He was going to tell Steve in a little while but he knew the blond would stay up, waiting for him, making sure he doesn’t go for the whisky bottle again. Which was fine, Sam was pretty sure he had something that contained alcohol in his room. Sam nodded, grabbing his scarcely filled glass and sandwich as he walked out the kitchen. The mumbled their good nights as they went down two separate hallways.

Once alone in his own room, Sam went to his mini fridge and grabbed two beers. He took three sleeping pills and washing down with the remaining whiskey he had in his glass.

There was something in the back of his mind that was trying to tell him that he was developing a problem but Sam pushed it away. He had barely gotten any rest during his mission and he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep on his own, not if Bucky was in close proximity. This was the only way he could be at peace.

~

Sam slept through the morning and didn’t wake up again until the evening. And he wouldn’t have woken up but he heard a relentless knocking on his door. Which was so not okay, his head was banging with a throbbing headache that came with the dragging feeling of a hangover.

“Alright, alright. I’m up.” Sam grumbled as he climbed out his bed. He was still in yesterday’s clothes and he looked like crap but he couldn’t bring himself to care as walked over to his bedroom door and opened it. He had fully expected to see Steve but he found Bucky staring at him in concern. Sam froze. He had planned to just avoid Bucky all together but as he stood in front of Sam, the soldier came to realize that he had no control over whether Bucky sought him out or not. No control. That was a feeling that Sam never wanted to face again. It was a feeling that made him want to slam that door in Bucky’s face. Sam probably would have had he not been too afraid to. And didn’t that just make him feel like a bitch.

“Are you alright? Steve and I were worried that you might have died in there.” Bucky said with genuine concern in his voice. The tone he used was different than Sam had expected. It wasn’t the inhuman growl that belonged to Winter Soldier. It helped him snap back to the present.

“Uh, I – I am fine.” Sam said slowly, trying to get a hold on his emotions. “I’m fine. I just wasn’t feeling well. I’m alright now.” Sam lied, hoping it would be enough to get Bucky out of his face. But Bucky didn’t leave. He just stood there staring at him.

“You sure?” Bucky asked and Sam nodded fervently.

“Yep, I’m-I was just about to leave.” Sam said, forcing a smile to his lips. Bucky nodded.

“Where ya headed? Steve is gone and I haven’t seen that much of the city since I’ve been out of the hospital. Steve won’t let me out too much.” Bucky said with an easy, casual smile.

Fuck his life. He should have just stayed in bed.

Sam didn’t even know what to say. What to do. He was just so damn scared. And Sam hated himself for it.

“Um, how far away from home does Steve usually take you?” Sam asked quietly, forcing his voice above a whisper.

Bucky shrugged, “Down to that grocer down the street.” Sam nodded slowly.

“Um, sure, yeah, I’ll take you there.” Sam said through gritted teeth, forcing a smile on his lips. Bucky didn’t seem to notice his tension as he smiled gratefully.

“Great, thanks pal. I’ma go get dressed.” Bucky said, walking down the other end of the hall. Sam carefully closed his door and back up against the wall. Hugging himself, forcing himself to not have a damn panic attack but he couldn’t fight the fearful tears that started to stream his face.  
There was no way in a million years did Sam want to be alone with Bucky. If Bucky, the Winter Soldier, forced him, if he made the attempt Sam would freeze and let him. Sam knew that with all his heart and it made him feel so. Damn. Useless. And pathetic. He felt so sick with himself.

Sam kept reminding himself that it was never Bucky’s fault. It was his fault for triggering Winter Soldier in the first fucking place. So he had to be careful this time. And if he did something to trigger the Winter Soldier again then he was getting what he deserved.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for substance abuse.

He was shitfaced. Sam knew that as he stumbled up the sidewalk to his house. It probably wouldn’t have been that bad if he hadn’t taken those two Benadryl’s and three sleeping pills right before chugging down half a bottle of whiskey. He kept fumbling with the keys and ended up dropping them. He reached down to pick them and crashed against the door before he crashed to the ground. And fuck, that hurt. The door immediately opened and Steve’s face worried appeared. Sam groaned. If there was a time he didn’t want to be bothered with Steve and his lectures, it was now.

“Em, em, em ahrigh’.” Sam slurred as he tried to pick himself off the ground but he lost his footing and almost fell but Steve caught him. Even in this high, drunken state, Sam could see the hurt and pain in Steve’s face. This was the third time this week Sam had trudged to the house this week and it was only Thursday. Not to mention the four weeks prior. Sam has been kinda over doing since Bucky decided he wanted the two of them to become friends. Bucky started hanging around Sam a lot, doing casual thing like friendly slapping him on the back or putting a hand on his should. It would send Sam on a tailspin every time. Then he would excuse himself to take some pills and find a drink.

But in all honesty, Sam was okay. He could stop at any time. He just needed something to help him sleep at night. He just needed something to take his mind off of what happened.

Sam kept trying to explain that to Steve. Kept trying to convince him that he was alright but Steve would always get that worried look in his eyes and tell Sam that he needed help.

But Sam didn’t. He was okay.  
He _was_ okay.  
He **was** okay.

Was he okay?

Steve dragged him into the bedroom. It was late. It was always late when Sam came home. When Bucky was already asleep. One because the last thing Bucky needed to see was Sam completely drunk off his ass. Bucky was recovering really well and Sam didn’t want to see him tailspin. Sam was actually fond of him. And that fact, that thought was usually paired with him taking some pills or taking a sip of something that contained alcohol. The other reason Sam came in late was because he didn’t want to run into Bucky at all. He was still having trouble separating Bucky from the Winter Soldier.

Steve sat him on the bed and took his hands, examining them. A deeper concern covered his face as gently touched Sam’s chin with one hand and opened Sam’s eyes with the other.

“Shit Sam!” Steve hissed, taking his phone out his pocket and called someone. Sam wasn’t sure, his vision was so blurred. Sam didn’t really hear what Steve was saying, al he heard were echoes of sound as he slumps back on the bed and everything went black.

~

Sam woke up feeling like shit but he didn’t open his eyes. He heard a constant beeping, a slight pain in his arms from what felt like a needle, everything smelled sterile. So Sam knew pretty quickly that he was in a hospital. There was also a gentle hand rubbing his cheek. Sam knew it Steve. Sam knew his hands.

Sam blinked his eyes open, wincing at the light. He felt like utter shit but that immediately melted away when he caught Steve’s face. There was so much pain, guilt, and despair in Steve’s eyes. Sam felt so bad. So remorseful. He had never meant to hurt Steve.

“On your left.” Steve said softly, with sad smile. Sam chuckled slightly. Steve pulled up a chair and sat down, taking Sam’s hand. “How are you feeling?”

Sam grunted with a shrug, “Alcohol poisoning?”

Steve nodded, “And you were overdosing. The nurses said you were taking large amounts of Benadryl and Unisom. They said that stuff is dangerous if you took it excessively.”

Sam sighed, nodding, “Yeah, I learned that in school when I was getting my MSW.” Sam looked at Steve. “Masters of Social Work.”

“Oh Sam.” Steve said, rubbing his cheek again. “I care about you. A lot.” Sam sighed. There was a promise in those simple words. Steve would stay by him and support him and Sam didn’t even think he deserved it. And Steve was already dealing with Bucky. Granted, he was doing a lot better but still…

And it wasn’t like Sam couldn’t deal with this, with what happened on his own. He could. He just had to…

“We need to talk.” Sam said despite his inner thoughts. He hadn’t meant to say but now that he had, Sam didn’t want to backtrack. He didn’t realize how much he wanted, needed to talk until now. And he wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say.

Steve nodded receptively, taking Sam’s hang again, “You can tell me anything. Anything, I’ll care for you all the same.” Steve said and again, there was the promise in his words. Sam took a deep breath, trying to sit up. Steve pressed a button on the side of the medical bed and the back rose, sitting him up.

Sam took a deep breath and closed eyes, taking comfort of Steve’s hand folded in his and Steve’s thumb rubbing against his knuckles. Sam thought about what he was going to say. He knew it would have nothing to do with the assault. Sam was firmly set on never telling Steve about. He figured he could Steve that he had a problem and that he promised to get help. And Sam would. Not just for Steve but for himself. Sam hated the person he became. He was steps from becoming a street junkie.

Sam nodded, now knowing what he was going to say he opened his mouth to speak.

“I was raped.” Are the words Sam never in a million years meant to say. Never. He had meant to take that to the grave. If for nothing else, just to save his pride. The little he had left. Steve took a deep breath, nodding understandingly. He brought Sam’s hand to his lips, and kissed it.

“It’s alright. Go on.” Steve said softly because Sam was frozen. He just stared at Steve in shock. Sam had thought Steve would have been disgusted with him. Would have hated him. After all what man isn’t strong enough to kept himself from getting raped but all he saw was understanding in Steve’s and absolutely no judgment.

Steve raised his hand and wiped his thumb over Sam’s cheek. The soldier hadn’t even noticed that there were tears streaming his cheeks. Once he had, Sam meant to stuff his emotions back down and get his together but he started crying. Like a bitch. But he couldn’t stop himself. No matter how hard Sam tried.

“I’m sorry. I…” Sam said, trying his best to pull himself together but Steve shook his head, sitting on the medical bed beside Sam, wrapping his arms around him. His big bricked arms. Sam felt safe in his embrace.

“It’s alright. There’s nothing wrong with crying. Talk to me.” Steve whispered gently in his ears.

“I just – I…” Sam stammered, trying to figure out a way of telling Steve about it without telling him about Bucky. “He was stronger than me. He held me down and I couldn’t stop him. He was so much stronger than me and I was so weak. I…” Sam trailed off and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to talk about it. And at the same exact time he did. But he just felt so pathetic, crying on Steve’s shoulder like this.

But Steve wasn’t revolted or appalled by him. Steve was actually understanding, loving, and supporting. He rubbed Sam’s back gently, telling him to talk about, to get it all out. Sam tried to fight against it but he decided to try and trust Steve, at least a little. Sam figured he couldn’t be left any lower than where he had already fallen.

“I cried during it. I…I screamed. I begged. I begged and cried like a bitch because it hurt so much and I just felt so damn _pathetic_. I am pathetic.” Sam cried, holding on tightly to Steve because right now he was the foundation he had.

“You’re not pathetic Sam.” Steve said in a soft, soothing tone. “You’re not pathetic at all. What happened makes you no less of a man. Those are all normal, human reactions. I know that’s probably hard to believe right now.” Steve said, gently touching Sam’s chin and raising it so that their eyes could meet. “But you’ll recover. We’ll get through this together, okay?” Steve said it so sincerely that Sam almost believed that promise.

“But Bucky, he needs you. And I can understand you wanting to help him more. He was your old flame after all.” Sam said, trying to push the clenching in stomach as he said those words. He hated to lose Steve but Bucky did need him more. Steve brow furrowed a little in confusion.

“Bucky and I never dated.” Steve said honestly. “He’s my best friend but that’s it. Back in the forties, men dating men was a huge no-no, so I haven’t really told him about us yet. But I will soon.” Steve explained honestly, rubbing Sam’s cheek, with a small, sad smile. “I don’t want to ever let go of you.”

It was like someone threw cold water on Sam and he felt kind of foolish for not just asking beforehand. But he didn’t get to think about it too much before Steve gently wrapped his arms around him again.

“And Bucky’s been doing really well. He has been thinking about getting his own small apartment somewhere really soon. I think he’ll be alright. Then we can put more time into us. We’ll get through this together.” Steve promised, kissing Sam’s cheek.

Sam nodded slowly and chanced a small smile. He felt better now that he talked about what happened. He didn’t tell Steve it was Bucky because he would never tell Steve about what happened.  
But with Steve maybe Sam could heal now.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed it. :D
> 
> Please leave feedback and feel free to criticize; I am always looking for opportunities to grow.  
> I’ve launched an E-Zine where people submit their favorite fics and the best ones get published in the zine. I’m doing this because I want to create something that acknowledges fanfic writers and makes them feel confident about themselves while bringing people of different fandoms together. To submit your favorite fics, go [Here](https://goo.gl/forms/h0LI8s7WGgZV2gBl1)


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